When I was young, I never had a dream wedding day, a dream wedding dress, how it’ll look like, how it’ll go. I have no idea if I’ll be having any. I don’t know if I could get the “right one”. Probably, I didn’t assume that early. But I’m gonna start it now.

As I close my eyes, I could picture myself in that fairy tale wedding dress. All dress up, all groomed, all perfect, with the shades of white, pink, lavender along with the grassy aisle I’m gonna walk later on. Just the nature, just the true friends, just the supporting family and close relatives, and just with him. That fairy tale dress. That man. Those flowers. That love. It’ll be as perfect as pictured. As perfect along with the man.

I am keeping my eyes open.

I have never felt so doomed, not until today. I never felt so sad, not until today. I never felt so confused. I never felt so damned. I never felt so screwed up. I never felt so cursed, not until today. Maybe I’ll mark this day, Friday the 13th of April 2012, as one of the most doomed day of my life. This is a make or break, I think. Soon, I’ll remember, but would you? Soon, I’ll go back and hopefully could move on from here. Soon…

Happiness is what life makes it, or let me rephrase that sentence. Happiness is what we want from life, often times, we fail. Happiness comes in just a spur of the moment, not everytime. Sorrow is what we feel, most of the time. Life is what we make it. With the lessons learned, with the downfalls, with the sorrows, with the negative vibes and hopefully, with happiness, with love, with getting back in track again. I am not as tough as anybody else (I think), I am not. And at the age of 23, after 23 years of existence, half of which was spent with my childhood, I could say, I had enough. Enough of the success (if ever I have any), enough with the sorrows, with happiness, with love. If ever accidents could come, I’m ready. I am suicidal, but yet again, life has thought me, it wouldn’t do any good. What I am telling is, I am ready with life, with what life would give me. This is life, full of downfalls, happiness, sorrows, laughter and tears.

If ever I could go back with time, I’ll still chose the same, same path as I did last time. The lessons, the experiences, is what makes life is. You go back, and regret nothing. You did it, and so stand for it. Hope my doomed day would feel better after this.

Never before will I chose what I will chose for today. This is a make or break. Though, I am still undecided, which is which. There’s no turning back.

I am thinking this over and over again. You seem so good, yet you’re not. Seemed so concerned but obviously not. At ang hindi ko lang matanggap, bakit ikaw pa? Ikaw ang nagpapabigat sa lahat. Alam mo ung, ambigat ng pakiramdam ko, hindi sa kanila kundi dahil sayo. 

I never dreamt of getting married. Not one of my biggest wish but just happiness.

Kahapon lang, andami kong nasabi. Andami kong nabitawan na salita. Hindi ko naman sinasadya e, I’m just careless. Tapos ngaun, baka kakakain ko ulit ung mga un. Alam mo ung tipong, hindi ito ung pinangarap mo nun. Hindi ganito ang naplano mong buhay kahapon. Kaso, andito ka, nadapa, wala ng magawa tapos mas malakas lang ung tibok ng puso mo kesa sa utak. Pwd naman pagsabayin e, kaso ang hirap na. Ang hirap pagsabayin, ang hirap timbangin. Few years ago, sabi ko, di ako kakasal. Tanggap ko naman e. Hindi ako tutol sa mag-isa tatanda. Hindi ako takot dun. Mas takot ako sa magiging asawa ko tapos hindi pala sigurado. Ung tipong, hindi ko pala alam tumanggap ng flaws ng iba. Siguro may dumating, tinatanggap ko naman ung flaws e, pinipilit ko. Hindi ko alam kung sinong tutol, pero pinipilit ko. Hindi ako nananaginip. Alam kong totoo to, alam ko naman e. Mahirap na lang pag nabagok ako tas bigla akong makakalimot. Mahirap na lang pag bigla mawala ang lahat kase andami ng nagawa. At ngaun, at this “early” age, I am considering marriage. Ang aga, on second thought, after 5 years na lang pala. 

Ang gulo ko na naman. Putik!

Pag minsan, kelangan mo ng isang malakas na untog para lang magising. Isang napakasakit na dapa para lang tumayo ka ulit. Isang nakakamatay na hulog para lang mabuhay. Hindi ko alam kung anong nararamdaman ko, parang nagka stampede at sobra akong naapakan ng maraming tao na malapit na akong mamatay sa apak ng mga tao, ang hirap huminga, ang hirap magtiwala at ibigay ang kamay sa isang tao kase baka tatakbo rin at aapakan ka rin lang nia gaya ng ginawa ng mga ibang tao kase nagka stampede na. Nagpapanic ako kase malapit nakong malagutan ng hininga, ang hirap bumangon, ang hirap idilat ang mata. Parang pag babangon ako, para ko lang pinahirapan ang sarili ko kase may susunod na aapak lang din sakin. Xempre, hanggat maaari hindi ko un hahayaan. Kinakaya ko naman e, ang bumangon at umalis sa stampede na to. Pero bakit sunod sunod? Parang, pwedeng pahinga muna? Pwede bang matapos na ang stampede at cease fire na lang muna? Durog na durog nako e. Tama na!!!

Pag minsan gusto kong umiyak, pero hindi ngaun. Kase kaya ko pa ung iyak ko, pero baka bukas hindi ko na kaya.

Pasensya at ganito palagi ang post ko. Hindi ko alam, kelangan kong ibuhos anonymously. Sana di moko kilala. Sana!

Napanaginipan ko si Xian Lim. Alam mo ung parang totoo kase shoot un ng something! Oxa. Hello Monday! Thank you at magkikita kami mamaya. After a long time.